Wednesday, April 29, 2009

It goes both ways

It's been five days since I've written the post about my relationship. I absolutely felt everything I wrote. Five days have past. Five. And what change do I see? It's my ridiculous attempt to be faithful. It is the absolute lack of progress in our relationship. Is the fact that we haven't had sex in what seems like an eternity. How can I satisfy my needs if he won't/is unwilling? (And if you need to ask about my sex drive or how often I need it, you haven't been reading). Is being a good man enough? I'm not sure. We made it this long but how much longer can it last? How much longer do I want it to last? lets face some reality here, I am obviously not getting what I need at home. And the scary part is that if we didn't live together I could get it more often than I do but sometimes I just can't. I really don't know. I'm at a crossroads here. A relationship with a friend that lacks intimacy or a series of relationships that lack friendship but are very physical. I feel so jaded that I don't know that I could ever have another successful relationship. I'm not sure which way I am going to go with this. I think I have to let some time pass cause I have run the gamut in terms of emotions this week and I owe it to myself and him to be clear-headed about whatever it is I decide to do.


Editor's Note, WC: I have not edited this post since I wrote it either. This post was written five days after my epiphany or meltdown if you prefer.


  1. Sounds like you're starting to face some of your issues rather than seeking what you need elsewhere. If you want this relationship to progress, you gotta be open with this guy and tell him how your feeling about what you see as lacking in the relationship. And if after that, there's no change, then I don't know what else you can really do...

  2. Godfrey is right.

    Be honest with your boyfriend and let him know where things stand. Communication is the key.

    If things don't change after that, I guess you two need to reevaluate your relationship together and if its worth saving.

    I would like to know though, does your boyfriend know about the other guys you've slept with or not? Or are you cheating on him behind his back?

    I think it's wise for you to take time away from everything for a bit....all make sure you're thinking with the right head.

    The very best of luck to you, Windy City!


  3. Dirty Little Secrets.

    I've come to a realization that I limit who I am to appease other people, whether it's just to get laid or maintain the relationships I have with other people and being society's bitch with that ever driving need to survive, even if it means sacrificing myself to play by its rules.

    And those rules, expectations and celebrated format of societal or peer pressure makes it a necessity to don a mask or compartmentualize the different aspects of our lives.

    Most people view that intimate relationships are made up of part a, part b, part c and so on - they look for commonalities in other peoples' relationships.

    But it's fucking hard to move outside of that concept because the entire fucking landscape and definitions change. A relationship based on individual definitions. Well then there's no self help guide or outside help that could really be provided.

    I'm losing where I wanted to go with this.

    It's a harder road to play by your own rules - or more directly, to hold yourself higher than your commitment to other people.

    It's often looked down upon and comes with a lot of baggage. It's not about vanity or selfishness, as compromise is something most of us are readily available to negotiate with...

    "Want to share my fun and that sex gets better when you let your inhibitions down."

    Or maybe just "let your inhibitions down."

    is the answer to all of this.

    You ever stand on top of building or at the edge of a cliff - something high enough that if you were pushed, it's unlikely you would survive. Yet be so awestruck by the view from the sky unto earth and far beyond the horizon that the dangers don't matter, they don't even come into mind. There's no drive to go beyond the edge and no desire to go back or to only view this sight from the safety of your computer or media centers.

    There's something about being present, being physically there. Even when you're becoming jaded with the people that don't see or feel what you do, but in truth, they don't really matter in this.

    You're standing alone even in the arms of another, from stranger to lover.

    To share our experiences and desires requires communication, yet we're all speaking our own individual language ... there is much lost in translation. And as people go, two are always one and one.

    I've found isolation doesn't do much, looking up from the depths isn't any better than staring from the surface.

    The only thing which changes is your reflection in the waters.

    So a question for you...

    What do you want your reflection to be?

    Not a question of values or of your ties to other people.

    Do you remember the last time you gave yourself an earth shattering orgasm?

    No fantasy, no porn, no thought of someone else nor anyone else in the room.

    When was the last time you were satisfied with just yourself?