Sunday, April 26, 2009

An epiphany


An epiphany. Really. I just have been so distracted recently. So lost in meaningless sex. All about getting off that I really forgot to look at the how and the why of where I am. I have this great relationship with a good man. He cares for me, honors me, loves me. He's good too. He's not hitting up manhunt, craigslist, adam4adam or any of the other places I find tricks. Is that not enough for me? Why don't I spend the time I use looking for and having sex and invest it in my relationship. I'm not sure. Do I really need to fuck it up before I realize what I have. Do I need to lose it to appreciate it. I don't think I can handle that so why do I jeopardize it. Am I really the person who has been doing all of this. I am because I've been doing it, but the truth is, it is not really me. It's some person I don't even recognize. I've always been able to get laid. I chose not to partake in it. Not because I didn't want a lot of sex nor was I a prude. I always wanted more than the moment. The moment always ends and you end up chasing the past or the next thrill. I am not sure how I forgot this or what made me remember it. Was it thinking of my first love who wasted his life being a punk. Was it the last trick, who reminded me of all the craziness that was my first love. I'm not sure but I'm tired. I'm tired of being a hedonist. I'm tired of pretending that things don't matter. I'm tired of pretending I care about the faceless, nameless tricks. I'm done treating sex like a handshake. I'm beat up. I'm bloodied. I'm taking a break. I've been celibate since the day I wrote this post. So you know, I am writing this on March 31, 2009. You are just seeing it now as I had to catch you up on all the tricks that I had not yet written about. It also allowed me time to live it and see if I would succeed or fail. So I write this in a state that is not desirable yet full of hope. Hope that by the time I post it I will have figured out the how and the why. That the blood will be wiped away. The scabs will be healing. I will be the real me again. The thoughtful, kind, loving, committed man I once was or am I doomed to being a slut.

9 comments:

  1. youre not doomed to being a slut, ive hope in your last 27 days of celibacy youve figured somethings out. i know ive thought those same things in the past but it always works out in the end

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  2. Windy City!

    I'm totally shocked to read this post!

    I was wondering if you'd ever reach this point and it looks like you have.

    I'm sure it feels wonderful to sleep with one hot guy after the next but isn't there more than just sex?

    What about being happy, fulfilled, in love? You CAN'T get those things from one-night stands......ever! And it sounds like that's finally sinking in for you.

    If you have a good man then be good to him and only him. How would you feel if he slept around with other guys?

    Thrills are short-term and fade fast, love can last a lifetime.

    I guess you have to decide which one is more important to you.

    Congrats, "Windy City"! I'm proud of you!!

    -Dean

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  3. I for one don't understand the emphasis in our society on monogamy. Why isn't it possible to have both a loving home relationship AND fun on the side? I do! I have a boyfriend who loves me and we have a great home life, and he knows I fool around on the side because I've got a huge sex drive. I personally love one-night stands and temporary hook-ups. But to each his own! Windy City, does your bf not know of any of your adventures? Does he know about your blog?

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  4. while it's fun to read about an endless stream of new guys, this post was really good as well. glad to hear you're snapping back to your senses and taking a look at where you're heading. definitely good to do that from time to time. please keep blogging though. don't think we're just here for the sex stories. :)

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  5. Keep spreading you seed, daddio. You can do both!

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  6. Well- reading this blog was great, but to wherever life takes you, may it be great

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  7. "Hope that by the time I post it I will have figured out the how and the why" ...
    You will be figuring out the how and the why for years, in fact throughout your life. That's what this is, a grand journey having to do with constant learning and self-development. This is an important epiphany, sure! But one of many, and your experience to date is not to be discounted but learned from and accepted. Now you make new choices that only you can define. There is no judgment in what I say, only recognition that you are on your path, vital as all paths in a collective evolution.
    I don't know much about your blog, but this post struck me with a tone of real honest awakening, and I wish you the best. Remember there are many vantage points from which to look at the same thing. Be open to them.
    cheers

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  8. Listen... its better off he knows your a slut :) it'll be easier to swallow in the end...

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  9. The problem is an addiction. It is only recently that we have begun to talk about sex addiction, but it works like any addiction, in which you take increasing risks and need more hits to get the same high. The results will be dire whether an arrest in a public bathroom or premature death, and becoming gradually alienated from your real friends and family who you may disgrace. The only cure is to seek professional help and to talk to sympathetic friend, people who care about you. Like an alcoholic, you need to work with other recovering addicts, to address the basic psychological problems that fuel your drive.

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