This has been on my mind.

I didn't write this but I wish I had. It's insightful, honest, compelling. An anonymous follower (is there a better name for it?) of the blog wrote this a few weeks ago and it's been on my mind ever since. It's worth sharing and that's my thank you to him for taking the time and energy to care.

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I've come to a realization that I limit who I am to appease other people, whether it's just to get laid or maintain the relationships I have with other people and being society's bitch with that ever driving need to survive, even if it means sacrificing myself to play by its rules.

And those rules, expectations and celebrated format of societal or peer pressure makes it a necessity to don a mask or compartmentualize the different aspects of our lives.

Most people view that intimate relationships are made up of part a, part b, part c and so on - they look for commonalities in other peoples' relationships.

But it's fucking hard to move outside of that concept because the entire fucking landscape and definitions change. A relationship based on individual definitions. Well then there's no self help guide or outside help that could really be provided.

I'm losing where I wanted to go with this.

It's a harder road to play by your own rules - or more directly, to hold yourself higher than your commitment to other people.

It's often looked down upon and comes with a lot of baggage. It's not about vanity or selfishness, as compromise is something most of us are readily available to negotiate with...

"Want to share my fun and that sex gets better when you let your inhibitions down."
Or maybe just "let your inhibitions down." is the answer to all of this.

You ever stand on top of building or at the edge of a cliff - something high enough that if you were pushed, it's unlikely you would survive. Yet be so awestruck by the view from the sky unto earth and far beyond the horizon that the dangers don't matter, they don't even come into mind. There's no drive to go beyond the edge and no desire to go back or to only view this sight from the safety of your computer or media centers.

There's something about being present, being physically there. Even when you're becoming jaded with the people that don't see or feel what you do, but in truth, they don't really matter in this.

You're standing alone even in the arms of another, from stranger to lover.

To share our experiences and desires requires communication, yet we're all speaking our own individual language ... there is much lost in translation. And as people go, two are always one and one.

I've found isolation doesn't do much, looking up from the depths isn't any better than staring from the surface.

The only thing which changes is your reflection in the waters.

So a question for you...

What do you want your reflection to be?

Not a question of values or of your ties to other people.

Do you remember the last time you gave yourself an earth shattering orgasm? No fantasy, no porn, no thought of someone else nor anyone else in the room.

When was the last time you were satisfied with just yourself?

IML: What I learned

A few things I learned this week at IML:

1. I am not into groups/orgies. I pretty much knew that I liked 1 on 1 or maybe a 3 way but it was confirmed for me this weekend. I am usually hard as fuck and ready to go but was the exact opposite with the group action. Plus, my confidence wasn't there either. All in all, it was still hot to sort of participate.

2. IML isn't really about leather anymore. It seemed liked leather was there for fashion purposes more so then as a way of life; posing cause it was the thing to do. Seriously, if they had been about speedos guys would have been wearing them instead. I might be onto to something, International Mr. Speedo or Bikini if I can't get the speedo tie in. Don't bitch me out but I am one of the guys there for the party too.

3. IML is now all about bare backing. I didn't take any surveys so this is not scientific but it seemed as if all the parties, group action involved bb. Despite any attempts otherwise, very little condom use went on.

4. The new host hotel sucked. It's too far away from downtown. I miss the shock seen on the suburbanites, office workers and travelers of guys wearing leather on the downtown streets of Chicago. My favorite memory of a guy walking is slave on a leash down Michigan Avenue is fucking fantastic.

5. I realized I have another type that I'm into. I always knew a I was into dark hair, brown eyes, light skinned guys like Italians, Greeks, Arabs, Latins etc. Those guys get my juices flowing and love to fuck them. The type I didn't really realize I was into is really white guys with blond or red hair. I'll fuck those guys too but I think I might have an interest in bottoming. I was totally turned on by Casper at the party the other day with his milky white skin, blond pubes and super tight body. I fantasized about bottoming for him. Not sure if and when something like that will happen but I have to keep my mind and body open to it.

6. If you are going to mess around with guys here, it's better to do so early in the weekend than later. Seriously, by Sunday and Monday these guys are looking a bit haggard. Much worse for the wear. Can you say, tore up.

7. If a guy is into anything more than booze and pot, I'm staying away. I saw way too many guys all fucked up and spacey this weekend. Not a pretty site.

8. IML is not a place to go with your boyfriend; to be more specific, my boyfriend. He wasn't into it at all. He was pissed with the boys checking me out and me checking them out. What did he think was going to happen. But I give him some credit for attempting to expand his horizons.

IML: The fuck party

Technically, an orgy. A bareback orgy. Here's the list of characters:

Hot muscle twink: Young, hot body, stole the show, versatile bottom, 22/23, 6', 170

Boy next door: classic, young brunette, tight body, 5'8, 140, 7.5 inch cock, versatile

Casper: oddly cute blond with tight body 5'7 130 top guy, late 20's

Hunky jock: the cute, thirty something host, versatile, 6'2, 185,

Beer can: the old dude, ugly as fuck but a 8 v 6 cock that overcomes, 50's, 5'8, 190

Throw down stud: Aggressive, nasty, bad ass top, 40's 6'2 180

There were a few others but not all that worthy talking about: geek boy, Viagra dude, black bear, hot and hairy, fats, and a few others who either I don't remember much of, came too fast or I didn't pay attention to. There were about 20 guys in and out.

On with the story. I arrive and the party is in full swing. Hunky jock was the only guy bottoming. He already had fucked hot and hairy, Viagra guy and another dude. He was playful but resting his ass up. But you know when they answer the door and everyone is naked, it's a good thing.

Right as I arrived, so did hot muscle twink. And he was super cute. Everyone noticed him right away. You could tell everyone wanted him and was hoping he bottomed but if he was a top the room was going to have a lot of bottoms real soon. Hunky jock finds out that he's a bottom and you can feel the energy in the room. Hunky jock wastes no time, plays with his ass and Hot muscle twink starts getting hard. Hunky jock bends him over and sticks his dick in him. There's a knock on the door and Casper arrives and Hunky Jock stops fucking and greets him. I didn't get it cause once you get in a hot guy like that you don't stop. Muscle twink didn't look happy about him pulling out. Hot and hairy tried to get in him and did but he couldn't keep it up. Muscle twink saw boy next door and I think he must have fallen in love. He goes over to boy next door and let's him know he wants him. They move on the bed and muscle twink sucks his cock. Eventually, he lubes his ass and boy is fucking muscle twink missionary. They go at it for awhile and change positions to doggy. Then they change positions again and muscle twink is riding boy next door. At this point they start making out like crazy. These two are hot and really going at it. Everyone is watching, jerking their cocks trying to find a bottom. Hot and hairy tries to play with Casper and blows Casper him but Hot and hairy wants to fuck him and he won't, too bad. Casper moves toward muscle twink and starts playing with his tits. Casper then moves in and starts to kiss him. Casper really wants muscle twink badly so he's hanging close by for a break. Casper thinks he might be able to double penetrate muscle twink and tries to but muscle twink lets him know that isn't cool. After about 20 minutes, boy next door blows his load in muscle twink. Casper then pulls him over and starts making out with him before he sticks his golden cock in him. Casper starts slow and then starts pounding away and it isn't too long before Casper shoots in him. While this is going on, throw down stud pushes hunky jock on the bed and starts raping his ass. He just pounds the shit out of him. Hunky jock has to stop cause he can't take it. So he tries to move over to muscle twink who saw that and Muscle Twink says no way and Throw down leaves. Beer can tries to fuck muscle twink next but he says he's taking a breather and is hanging. So beer can goes over to geek and starts fucking him. Geek cums in less than 2 minutes and has to stop, I think fats licked up the cum. Things hit a bit of a lull when muscle twink and boy next door go at it again. These two go to the other bed and act like they are trying to get some alone time in. It's really hot cause these guys are going at like crazy. Beer can then starts fucking hunky jock and even though he's fucked a bunch, he's being stretched by the monster. Eventually, beer can breeds hunky jock. Once, muscle twink and boy next door take another break, hunky jock starts fucking muscle twink again. This time he unloads in him and pretty quick. After boy next door comes out of the bathroom he starts fucking muscle twink again. Some other dude, a sexy salt n pepper muscle top comes and starts getting into the action. He gets head from geek but makes his way over to muscle twink and boy next door. He starts eating boy next doors ass out while he fucks muscle twink. While this is going on, Geek is sucking muscle daddies dick and that was when I couldn't hold it anymore. I was nervous so I was constantly losing my focus and hard on but this threw me over the top and I blew on Boy next door and beer can cleaned it up. I decided it was time to clean myself up and head out. I probably shouldn't have been so nervous but hey, I can be shy at times. Shy enough to be the voyeur at the orgy but OK with shooting it on a hot dude fucking another hot dude (I feel like I'm the onlooker in the middle pic!!).

IML - expanding horizons and pussing out

I was invited to this hot sex party yesterday and couldn't pass up doing this up. I get there and there are a bunch of guys there, with most of the guys ranging in age from early 20's to mid 40's with a few guys older than that there. I've never taken part in any type of group activity/orgy so I was really nervous. So nervous that I think it was obvious to everyone. And being nervous is never good for keeping a boner. So needless to say, I hung out and acted as a voyeur but didn't participate in the group unless you count jacking off. I give my self credit for staying and watching cause it was hot but am mad at myself for being a pussy and joining in. I mean seriously, isn't making the decision to take part in a group the major part. Obviously, the good boy in me won out. When I have some time, I will detail it for you cause it was pretty hot.

Breaking the vow

I took some time off to figure things out. I didn't necessarily get the clarity I was looking for to figure out my relationship but not being so distracted by sex helped me focus on everything a lot better. Needless to say, I was pretty horned up and realized I needed some release. I was chatting up with this guy visiting Chicago for a convention. He was looking to give head, no reciprocation. Getting head is a lot cleaner and easier to do than fucking so I felt kinda like I was keeping my vow. Before I hear shit from people, receiving a blow job is a sexual act so I was not being celibate. But it's kinda tame, especially for me. So I head over to the Palmer House and head up to his room. I love hotel sex. It's very liberating. You know that your going to hit and probably never see the guy again so you can chill out easier. You can get as funky as you want. He answers the door and I was surprised, in a good way. His pic was sort of average. He was better than average in person, so it was already off to a good start. He starts some small talk and gets right into it, unzipping my suit pants. While he's getting me hard, sucking my cock, I take off my dress shirt and tie and get ready so I can get into it more. Eventually I have to stop him so I can ditch the pants around my ankles; this way I can fuck that pretty little mouth of his. He's giving good head so I decide to take it up a notch and really fuck his mouth hard. I'm getting pretty aggressive with him when all the sudden I can feel that he has throated me and I'm going down the pharynx. I've never felt a guys mouth hole close up on my cock before. It was hotter than hot. I got a little out of control and he did start gagging but he was a fucking champ and kept at it. Once I felt it that deep I wanted more and he let me own his mouth until I nutted right down his throat, straight into his stomach.

Boys, IML and more boys

Sometimes you guys surprise me. I recently put out a poll asking whether I should be a slut at IML this weekend. I don't need permission but I thought a little persuasion from you guys would never hurt. Well, needless to say, I was shocked by the response. Being a slut won out by 2 votes. 2 measly little votes. I figured that this is a sex blog so maybe a couple of people would vote for me be a good boy. As I believe in gut instincts, this is what I'm going to do, keep an open mind but not be totally piggy unless it feels right. So if you're going to be here for IML, hit me up. You might make the blog.....

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Before I forget, I started this blog on a lark, not really expecting that anyone would want to read it. I started counting hits sometime around the end of January and in less than four months I've hit more than 25,000 visits. So thanks for reading and commenting.

Back to the basics

I took you through the Nick saga so you'd understand why that mess, Hot Chocolate (who constantly is IM'ing me to fuck him again), riled me up. It wasn't about him cause he was just a hot fuck but all the nonsense of him that reminded me of Nick when he getting sucked into the vortex. I thought my only issues were dealing with my current man, I didn't even realize until I got into this that it went deeper than it did. That being said, I'm going to take a break from writing about my relationship(s) but promise to get into the current one as I am still in a state of flux over how I want to proceed. I have also quashed my vow of celibacy and have some good stories to hit you up with. I will forewarn you that I am not recommending celibacy but it did help me clear my mind and take the focus off being an insane slut. I can go back to just being a guy who likes sex and not a sex addict who needs the sex.

Closure

I really hadn't planned on writing about this part of the Nick saga. But inquiring minds have asked and I have put so much more than I ever thought out there, why not this. The shit he pulled with me ended up badly for everyone. He ended up in jail and I was "forced" to prosecute him. I use "forced" because he left me no other option. He did something beyond belief, knew it and was a complete ass about it because he didn't think I would follow through. He was wrong. He underestimated how much he hurt me, how angry I was and how deeply troubled he really was. We eventually put it behind us as he went into rehab and started doing better. But with addicts, it's a slippery slope. He eventually started using again and the criminal charges continued. It went from drug possession to theft, probation violations to prison. He really fucked his life up. I wish he hadn't but he did. I feel fortunate that I was able to leave and not allow my life to free fall into the vortex his did. I feel horrible that I couldn't do more. I haven't heard from him since he went to prison. I wrote him a note letting him know that I still loved him but was saddened by what he had become. He never wrote back. It was probably for the best. I think the shame he felt in knowing that I was right, that he could of done something amazing with his life and he wasted it. I only hope that he overcomes his self-destructive nature and does great things. Deep inside, the guy that had everything at his fingertips is still there, he just needs to find the road that leads to a better life.

The awakening, part 3: the aftermath

I don't think I need to tell you this but I fell madly in love with Nick. It was mutual. We spent the next eighteen months together. It was the best time of my life. I experienced almost every first sexually with him. He was so open to trying things. He was amazing in bed. He always told me that I was his best lover. If I was, it was only because he showed me how. I didn't know jack about having sex with a guy before I met him. The thing I miss most about him was the way we communicated. Nothing was off limits. We talked about everything and anything. Music, politics, fashion, religion, love, relationships, fidelity or lack thereof. The honesty of the relationship astounds me to this day. I experienced so much with him. I loved him more than I ever thought I could love someone. Because of him, I came out to my parents. When my Mom met him, she knew. She saw the way we looked at each other. Everyone did. Writing this is melancholy for me. To relive it is amazing but it also hurts at the same time. I experienced the highest highs with him and the lowest lows. It was amazing to be with him. He had a way about him. He made you feel special. He let you know and everyone else around that you were his man. That he was lucky to be your man and that you should be so lucky to have a guy like me. It was amazing. Damn it, he was amazing. But the downside to dating an it boy is exactly that. Everywhere he turned the options were endless. The problem that caused our break-up was that he was an it boy. He started partying hard. Not just booze and pot. Eventually, it became a problem. Enough of a problem that I couldn't help him anymore. It escalated. He spiraled down hill and fast. The only options I had were to join him or let him continue in his self-destructive behavior. I tried to stop him. He promised to stop. But there was no way it was going to happen. He didn't really want to. You can't make someone change; the desire to change must come from within. We broke up. It broke my heart. I missed him, loved him and still wanted him. Then the day of reckoning occurred. We had been broken up for few months when he did something so unspeakable, something that broke my trust in him, permanently. I'm not going to go into the details but it was bad, really, really bad. He showed me how drugs can change a person. Make them someone they are not. Make them do things that they would never in a million years do but for the drugs. Even with that, I eventually forgave him but I never forgot. That day changed the future of our relationship because from that day on it was clear we would never be boyfriends/partners/lovers again. I'm not saying we didn't fuck again but underlying basis of our relationship ended, I could never trust him again, ever. Unfortunately for Nick, his love of the fast life, the party life never ended. He ruined his life. He can try to salvage his life but the harm he caused, the damage, collateral or otherwise, can't be repaired. He had so much going for him. It's so rare to see a person that people gravitate toward and look to, self destruct like he did. He was so charming, witty and bright. He threw it all away because of drugs. You can sense the heavy heart in which I write this about him. I still love him today. No matter what happens a part of me will always love him. He was special and what we had was special. To this day, all my friends hate him for what happened. It's impossible for me to hate him. I only wish our relationship had been enough for him.

The awakening, part 2 - the sex

We made plans to go out on a Friday night. Nick came over to the apartment that I was living in in the Boystown area of Chicago. He looked good. He was wearing a red shirt but it didn't matter what he wore. I wanted to rip his clothes off as soon as he walked into my apartment. We went out and had some drinks and talked. We had these great conversations, not the awkward first date conversation. It was as if we had known each other for ages. It was so natural. After a bit we headed back to my place. We both knew we were going to have sex that night. It was a foregone conclusion from the way we looked at each other when he arrived. We got back to my place and my roommate was up. We chatted for a bit with him and he eventually left us in the living room. We started kissing like bandits. He was such a good kisser. He knew how to kiss using his tongue but it never was over the top or sloppy. I remember sitting on the couch and watching him take his shirt off. He was wearing a tank top underneath but watching him calmed me down. The nervousness left my body. I wasn't thinking about my one month rule. I threw myself into the moment. We continued kissing until Nick suggested we go to my bedroom. We kissed all the way into the room, moving oddly but strangely in rhythm. We went into the bed and slowly the clothes came off as we moved further along. The first time I saw him naked, I stopped and almost pinched myself. I couldn't believe this was happening. I also thought that it so unfair. He's so beautiful and so much fun and to have a huge cock too. I started sucking his cock. I couldn't get it all in but I loved it. He was enjoying it too. He pushed me down to his ass. I had never eaten a man's ass out before. I was hesitant but knew from my experiences with girls that I liked eating out pussy so I went for it. Not knowing what I was doing wasn't a problem. I learned real quick that I liked it. A lot. I stuck my tongue in and out, moved it around, licked, dug deep. I couldn't get enough. He was turned on. He wanted me to fuck him. I grabbed the condom and did. It felt so good. Being inside him, kissing him, grinding my cock into him and having him want me as much as I wanted him. I was surprised that I lasted as long as I did. After I came, we kissed and he asked if he could fuck me. I wanted this to last as long as possible so I said yes. He tried to fuck me but as soon as he he stuck his dick in me, I felt pain like I had never felt before. I literally saw white flashes of light. I'm not sure if they were stars or not but he stopped. I told him I want to continue trying. I got on top of him and eventually lowered myself on top of him. He was so big it hurt but eventually it felt good. Right before he came I pulled off him and I can tell he wanted to cum inside but I'll never forget watching the cum accumulate in the condom as I watched. I fell onto him and we kissed. He told me that he never came that way before. Eventually we fell asleep. The next morning we woke up and I fucked him again and we well asleep in each others arms. It continued like that for the rest of Saturday and Sunday. The only time we weren't in bed was when we ate, went to the bathroom or showered. Looking back, I think Nick realized that I gave my virginity to him that night. He treasured it and respected it. The funny part was that I think he thought it was the first time I had ever been fucked. It wasn't but it was the first time that I had ever fucked a man. The curious part is, while I do remember it the most vivid memory of that night is me pulling off his cock and watching him fill the condom with his cum.

The awakening, Part 1.

I went about discovering myself after Joe. I dated but rarely had sex. I created rules that prevented that from happening. Can you really expect a gay man to date you for a month before having sex. All of that changed when I met Nick. I was out at a suburban gay bar, Hunters, with a friend of mine. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was standing by the dance floor and I even remember the song that was playing. I looked over and the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen was looking at me, nodded his head and said hi. I wasn't sure he was talking to me. He reminded me of a Greek god. He was about 6'1, 170 pounds, black hair, brown eyes and an olive complexion. He was an "it" boy. The type of guy that everyone noticed when he went by and even if they didn't know him had an opinion of him. I said hi back. I kept thinking this guy is out of my league but I was trying to act cool so as not to blow it. We continued talking for awhile. My friend came up and said he was leaving and did I want a ride. I was staying at my parents house that night and Nick offered to give me a ride home. My buddy left without me. I really enjoyed our conversation. He was even better than he looked: funny, charming and smart. He also made me feel like I was the only person in the bar, nothing else mattered. He gave me a ride to my parents and pulled into the driveway. We made out for about 30 minutes like a couple of horny teenagers. I wanted to invite him in but my parents were sleeping and I wasn't out to them. He understood that nothing was going to happen, we exchanged numbers and he left. I went in and beat off thinking of him. I had to work the next day it was a LONG day. I was tired, hungover and in the best mood. I was smitten. My buddy called because he read the body language and figured my one month rule was over. He was shocked that I didn't sleep with him. He teased me but I knew he was jealous. All he knew was that this guy was a hot piece of ass. What he didn't know was that I had completely fallen for him and he was going to change everything for me.....

Ah, the innocence of it all.

I met Joe in an unconventional way. We met on a phone chat line. Do they still exist even? It was 93 and I was coming out of the closet. I was scared as shit about everything gay. I didn't have any gay friends. I go on without any real expectations other than having some phone action go on. I forget all the details of how it works but you create a mini profile about yourself and people are able to speak with you. There are a lot of creepy guys on there so I wasn't holding out much hope. Then Joe comes along. He's different than the other guys on there. He's not so aggressively looking to get off. He wants to talk. We talk for awhile and decide to exchange numbers. To be exact, I give him my number. Over the next week, we talk several times. He's my age, a year older and we are in the same field. We decide to meet. He lives near my parents so I plan to spend the night by them. I meet him at some lame suburban place and he's interesting. He's OK looking. He's Italian and kinda flashy. But there something about him. We have this great conversation that lasts about three hours. We finish up and head our separate ways. We continue talking and seeing each other three or four nights a week. It's amazing but we have so much in common. We both want to do the same thing with our careers, we are both not out, have similar backgrounds growing up Catholic in the burbs of Chicago and oh yea, we are both inexperienced. We end up falling for each other. We hang out and spend the night talking and wonder where the night went. Eventually, we start to get physical. We would kiss forever. We would find isolated spots and make out and grope each other but not have sex. At some point my lease ran out and I moved back in with my parents. Now, we are hanging out nearly every night. After about 2 months we take it past the make out and start doing more. Nothing crazy, just hand jobs. This kinda sets things off in a bad way. He can't handle the whole gay thing. It's not easy for me either. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I just know that I can't get enough of him. I want him all the time. I think of him all the time. I'm pretty sure I'm in love. I know he feels the same but instead of being happy he's in love, it torments him. He dumps me. I'm devastated. But we continue talking. And sneaking out into the night and making out. We really haven't broken up cause we still see each other, meet each others friends but we keep the entire gay thing hidden from the world. This continues on for another couple of months but it eventually takes it toll on us. He wants things to remain as is. I can't accept that. I won't accept it. Damn it, it's the mid 1990's not the 1950's. I can't live my life this way. I can't just pretend. People have to see it. It's impossible not to see the way we look at each other. Joe keeps his blinders on. He wants to keep us in a box that only opens when we are alone together. The rest of the time, the rest of the world will view us as best friends. That's not the life for me. I know I want more than that. I deserve more than that. It kills me but I end it with him. He continues to call and sends me letters. It's so hard but I can't continue this path. It's too self destructive. If he had his way, we would both marry, have kids and our secret life. One problem actually two. One is that he wouldn't be able to do it. It would be a continuation of the roller coaster. We're together, we're not. Maybe we'd move in together, probably not. The second was I refused to accept less than 100% of him. I stuck to my guns. He continued to call and I refused to answer. I cried my self to sleep on many nights because I wanted to be with him but there was no way I could deal with the terms. Eventually it became easier. I saw him every once in awhile but knew it was over. I stopped feeling what I felt for him. I grew out of love with a person. I'm glad for it. Several years later I ended up at his place watching a Bears football game. We messed around and went further than we ever did when we were together. When I came on his hairy chest, he looked frightened. He knew he couldn't turn back from that day, ever. It was the most he had ever done with a guy. I knew that I could never look back either. And I was thankful that I was able to be honest with myself. Your first love inevitably hurts. I think it's called puppy love because like a puppy it has a limited shelf life. You grow up and it all changes. I'm not sure falling in love with the first guy you date is a good thing but it will always make him special.

Where do we go from here

That's a really good question. One of my loyal followers has been really inquisitive on how I went from a guy that was sexually conservative, bordering on being a goody-too-shoes to being a fuck magnet. The next three or four posts are going to take you through the progression of the four most serious relationships that I've been in and how my attitude has evolved or devolved, depending on your judgment afterward. So I repeat the lyrics:

Where do we go from here
You know I'm not the guilty one
Where do we go from here
You know I'm not your only son
Where do we go from here
Stop dreaming 'bout the shiney gun
Where do we go from here
No, I'm not the only one

Should I stay or should I go.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting recently. One of the key thoughts was whether I should continue blogging. I love being able to share a side of myself that is not generally broadcast. Having a dirty little secret is fun. But it often becomes more than just a fun distraction. I know that is my fault. I shouldn't allow anything to distract me. After much thought, I am going to continue to leave it out here and blog. I may write more personal stuff like I have recently. I have found it to be a great outlet for my thoughts. I'm here for now.