Thursday, May 14, 2009

The awakening, part 3: the aftermath

I don't think I need to tell you this but I fell madly in love with Nick. It was mutual. We spent the next eighteen months together. It was the best time of my life. I experienced almost every first sexually with him. He was so open to trying things. He was amazing in bed. He always told me that I was his best lover. If I was, it was only because he showed me how. I didn't know jack about having sex with a guy before I met him. The thing I miss most about him was the way we communicated. Nothing was off limits. We talked about everything and anything. Music, politics, fashion, religion, love, relationships, fidelity or lack thereof. The honesty of the relationship astounds me to this day. I experienced so much with him. I loved him more than I ever thought I could love someone. Because of him, I came out to my parents. When my Mom met him, she knew. She saw the way we looked at each other. Everyone did. Writing this is melancholy for me. To relive it is amazing but it also hurts at the same time. I experienced the highest highs with him and the lowest lows. It was amazing to be with him. He had a way about him. He made you feel special. He let you know and everyone else around that you were his man. That he was lucky to be your man and that you should be so lucky to have a guy like me. It was amazing. Damn it, he was amazing. But the downside to dating an it boy is exactly that. Everywhere he turned the options were endless. The problem that caused our break-up was that he was an it boy. He started partying hard. Not just booze and pot. Eventually, it became a problem. Enough of a problem that I couldn't help him anymore. It escalated. He spiraled down hill and fast. The only options I had were to join him or let him continue in his self-destructive behavior. I tried to stop him. He promised to stop. But there was no way it was going to happen. He didn't really want to. You can't make someone change; the desire to change must come from within. We broke up. It broke my heart. I missed him, loved him and still wanted him. Then the day of reckoning occurred. We had been broken up for few months when he did something so unspeakable, something that broke my trust in him, permanently. I'm not going to go into the details but it was bad, really, really bad. He showed me how drugs can change a person. Make them someone they are not. Make them do things that they would never in a million years do but for the drugs. Even with that, I eventually forgave him but I never forgot. That day changed the future of our relationship because from that day on it was clear we would never be boyfriends/partners/lovers again. I'm not saying we didn't fuck again but underlying basis of our relationship ended, I could never trust him again, ever. Unfortunately for Nick, his love of the fast life, the party life never ended. He ruined his life. He can try to salvage his life but the harm he caused, the damage, collateral or otherwise, can't be repaired. He had so much going for him. It's so rare to see a person that people gravitate toward and look to, self destruct like he did. He was so charming, witty and bright. He threw it all away because of drugs. You can sense the heavy heart in which I write this about him. I still love him today. No matter what happens a part of me will always love him. He was special and what we had was special. To this day, all my friends hate him for what happened. It's impossible for me to hate him. I only wish our relationship had been enough for him.


  1. Windy City....!

    First off, thanks for sharing your more personal moments in this post. It really is nice to read about the relationship side of things instead of all the sex antics. (Just personal preference, I guess).

    Don't blame yourself for Nick's actions and decisions in life. He ended up where he did because of the choices HE made. I don't think it has anything to do with you.

    I am curious though. Do you still keep in contact with Nick? Has he straightened his life out? Has he gotten worse? If he did get back on track would you take him back again?

    Your relationship with Nick wasn't a total loss/failure. I'm sure you learned many things from that experience (both in and out of the bedroom).

    Thanks for the candid post!


  2. What exactly did he do? Can you post details? Thanks!

  3. I don't blame myself for his actions. He had a choice, he made it and he has to live with the consequences of his actions. At the same time, being his boyfriend, I had all the same options as he did. I could of done drugs but I made chose not to use drugs. Our lives went in vastly different directions.

  4. I once dated an alcoholic... I know the feeling of hoping that you're enough to change him--that your love will conquer all. It broke my heart to realize I couldn't save him and he wouldn't save himself.

    I would highly recomment Al-Anon or Narconon to help you. I joined long after we'd broken up and it was such a help for me. I have a better grasp of what we were up against.

    I wish you well on your journey.

  5. It helps knowing others understand. Sometimes you feel you are up against it. And you are. But it's how you handle it that truly matters and defines you.

  6. Wow! I can't imagine having to make a decision like that. Thanks for sharing this important but difficult part of your life with Nick.

  7. I am re-reading some of my old posts and this one made me cry. Again.

  8. I just realized that I wrote that 5 years ago. Damn.....