An epiphany. Really. I just have been so distracted recently. So lost in meaningless sex. All about getting off that I really forgot to look at the how and the why of where I am. I have this great relationship with a good man. He cares for me, honors me, loves me. He's good too. He's not hitting up manhunt, craigslist, adam4adam or any of the other places I find tricks. Is that not enough for me? Why don't I spend the time I use looking for and having sex and invest it in my relationship. I'm not sure. Do I really need to fuck it up before I realize what I have. Do I need to lose it to appreciate it. I don't think I can handle that so why do I jeopardize it. Am I really the person who has been doing all of this. I am because I've been doing it, but the truth is, it is not really me. It's some person I don't even recognize. I've always been able to get laid. I chose not to partake in it. Not because I didn't want a lot of sex nor was I a prude. I always wanted more than the moment. The moment always ends and you end up chasing the past or the next thrill. I am not sure how I forgot this or what made me remember it. Was it thinking of my first love who wasted his life being a punk. Was it the last trick, who reminded me of all the craziness that was my first love. I'm not sure but I'm tired. I'm tired of being a hedonist. I'm tired of pretending that things don't matter. I'm tired of pretending I care about the faceless, nameless tricks. I'm done treating sex like a handshake. I'm beat up. I'm bloodied. I'm taking a break. I've been celibate since the day I wrote this post. So you know, I am writing this on March 31, 2009. You are just seeing it now as I had to catch you up on all the tricks that I had not yet written about. It also allowed me time to live it and see if I would succeed or fail. So I write this in a state that is not desirable yet full of hope. Hope that by the time I post it I will have figured out the how and the why. That the blood will be wiped away. The scabs will be healing. I will be the real me again. The thoughtful, kind, loving, committed man I once was or am I doomed to being a slut.
