Where Bi-Boi and where I left it

The drama with him never really ends.  As I previously posted, I had to decide what I was going to do.  I finally told him that we can't see each other.  I was pretty clear that he needed to get his shit together and I was only confusing him.  He cried and told me that he loved me; that we should get married.  I eventually told him that I will see him again and that I think we can be together again, just not now.  He really didn't want to accept it but it is my choice.  We still talk a lot and text regularly but I am staying strong.  The problem is that I want to be with him.  I want to feel my cock ripping up his tight little hole.  I want to pull on his hair as I cum inside him.  I think that this break will provide some clarity and hopefully we can become fuck buds.  The problem is that I am in deep and compare all the new guys I am with to him.  This is so fucked up. 

Bi-Boi and Me continued

We have been talking and texting since.  But everything seems different.  I can hear it in his voice, I can read it in his text messages.  He keeps telling me that I am making this into a bigger deal than it is.  But I know him and know myself.  I feel it.  But I want him so I keep the line of communication open.  He is going through a lot.  His family is all over him now about things.  He essentially came out to them and that was not something he had planned.  I am trying to be supportive of him.  He needs the emotional support.  But it is challenging.  He sounds like a different person now.  He is not as easy going.  You can feel that he is troubled. The crying is hard to deal with.  The emotional swings as well.  And the sex.  Yikes, has it gone down hill.  Obviously, the anal took a back seat.  But it all was not there.  The kissing felt pressured.  The sex was quite honestly pedestrian.  When we started fucking again, I brought condoms with me.  I never do that. But I did for him.  We used them and he even said we didn't have to.  He wanted me to know that he trusted me. It was nice to hear but he didn't mean it.

Then it really started to change.  For the first time ever, we were fighting.  Bickering with each other.  It was stupid but how can you stop it.  He kept saying he wanted things to be like they used to be.  You can't stay in a box.  Things change and you need to move forward.  He struggled with it.  Bi-boi now is insisting that he loves me.  I know better.  He's confused and troubled at the moment.  Love is not born of this.  I really think that he is starting to realize that he might be gay.  He is definitely confused and I know one thing, I am not helping things.  I am a crutch but I am also a big part of the issue.  He doesn't know what he wants or needs.  Not that I know what he wants or needs; but I do know that I have been through a lot of this and quite honestly need to be more of a man and step up or step aside. My thoughts are step aside.  He needs to figure this out for himself.  He doesn't need me.  He just doesn't realize that yet.  But I do. The question is whether or not I can let him go. 

It goes both ways

It's been five days since I've written the post about my relationship. I absolutely felt everything I wrote. Five days have past. Five. And what change do I see? It's my ridiculous attempt to be faithful. It is the absolute lack of progress in our relationship. Is the fact that we haven't had sex in what seems like an eternity. How can I satisfy my needs if he won't/is unwilling? (And if you need to ask about my sex drive or how often I need it, you haven't been reading). Is being a good man enough? I'm not sure. We made it this long but how much longer can it last? How much longer do I want it to last? lets face some reality here, I am obviously not getting what I need at home. And the scary part is that if we didn't live together I could get it more often than I do but sometimes I just can't. I really don't know. I'm at a crossroads here. A relationship with a friend that lacks intimacy or a series of relationships that lack friendship but are very physical. I feel so jaded that I don't know that I could ever have another successful relationship. I'm not sure which way I am going to go with this. I think I have to let some time pass cause I have run the gamut in terms of emotions this week and I owe it to myself and him to be clear-headed about whatever it is I decide to do.

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Editor's Note, WC: I have not edited this post since I wrote it either. This post was written five days after my epiphany or meltdown if you prefer.